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Posts Tagged ‘natural childbirth’

Not everyone who is having their first baby had a wedding first. If you did, though, you have a natural window through which to peek at your relatives’ likely behavior — and your likely feelings about their behavior — at the birth of your baby. If you did not have a wedding, you may be able to think of another emotionally-heightened event at which family play a big role that will act as this window.

Mothers, mother-in-laws, sisters, and close friends are all likely to want to play a role at the time you give birth. I will focus mostly on mothers here, although for any mom-to-be it may be a sister or friend who lives nearby who is the focus of your attention. The question that pregnant women often ask their doulas is, “Should I invite her to the birth?”

If the woman had a wedding, this is where I usually start my questioning. Because it’s not about whether the relationship itself is good or bad. If you are considering inviting this person to your birth, I will assume the relationship is at least pretty positive. It’s about how the woman feels when she is doing something meaningful, stressful, and full of rapid decision-making in the presence of this other person.

Did you feel like your mother (sister/aunt/friend) understood exactly what you needed in the moment and was acting like an extension of yourself at all the wedding events? Or did you feel like she kept bringing you problems and issues to solve? Did she love your ideas and offer to help out anywhere? Or did she disapprove of your decisions (subtly or not so subtly)? Did she try to talk you out of ideas that meant a lot to you? Did you feel like her feelings enhanced and deepened the meaningfulness of your wedding for you? Or did her feelings about your wedding interfere with your own enjoyment?

 

Mothers can be just like us or very different from us and still be capable of offering genuine support. But not all mothers can offer genuine support. Their own needs get in the way of that.

Take a good look at how you felt about your mother (sister/aunt/friend)’s role at your wedding. If you have any lingering feelings of resentment or disappointment, I would strongly urge you to find a way to keep your laboring space free of their presence. Give her an important job to do away from your birthing space (making a birthday cake for the baby is a great job, for example). You do not get a re-do on your birth experience, so, like a wedding, it’s important to plan carefully. Don’t discount this treasure trove of information about how people are likely to act. Together with your gut instinct, this information about the past can usually tell you what you need to know about, “Should I invite her to the birth?”

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Childbirth Classes: Necessity or Luxury? Redundant in the Internet Age?

(reposted from last year with a new graph below!)

Hello pregnant women!

Fewer of us than ever before are signing up for traditional childbirth education classes. You know, those old-fashioned classes that meet in person. With a teacher. And maybe a textbook. Perhaps “class” reminds you of high school. Or college. And you do not want to be in SCHOOL any longer.

Besides, everything you need to know about birth is on youtube. Right? OK, well, then. Maybe it’s on Parenting.com? Or Childbirth.org? Or the American Pregnancy Association? Or WhatToExpect.com?

Oh, dear. There’s a lot of websites that offer “childbirth information.” And the information they offer conflicts. A lot. More importantly, the information is not well-tailored to your unique situation.

No, problem, says the modern mama-to-be. I know how to get information tailored for me! I will jump into some chat rooms or join a website and ask my specific, individualized questions. Then the magic of the Internet will quickly provide me with the answers I need.

Check out this graph from the “Listening to Mothers-III” survey about how we judge the trustworthiness of information on-line about pregnancy and birth:

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This is, indeed, how the majority of American women are preparing for childbirth. But childbirth is a very different process than researching what car to buy or whether or not to cut bangs this week (Michelle says, “Yes!”). Preparing for childbirth on-line is sort of like preparing for a triathalon on-line. There are good tips out there, but we all know that the REAL preparation is occuring off-line in what I would call “real life.”

Childbirth is a unique life event and probably nothing you have ever done in your life (except give birth previously!) can serve as a good model for how to prepare. I don’t know of any other event that requires the combination of social (how to interact with hospital staff and birthing professionals well), emotional, relational (negotiating the needs/wants of partners and parents and siblings), intellectual, and physical that birth requires. Many people compare birth to endurance sports events like marathons, but the fact is that few marathoners have to negotiate important medical decisions with doctors while they are running.

So, what you get in childbirth education classes that you CANNOT get on-line is the opportunity to practice in the presence of an experienced guide. When you READ information, it does not stick with you nearly the way it does when you have practiced what that information tells you to do. As Yogi Berra said, “In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.“

You learn SO much by getting to ask a question and having a personal INTERACTION about your question. You get to practice — try out — different ideas in this safe place that is not yet your labor or your baby’s birth. In this place, you get to practice thinking and feeling and relating different ways. You have a teacher, who has probably been at a number of births and seen some of those ways play out in real life, who can guide you in your thinking and feeling and relating.

Childbirth education classes are not really about information. The “facts” are readily available on-line. It is the practice of trying this idea and then this one or, hey, maybe this one that makes this information useful for you. When you are in labor you do not need theoretical knowledge. You need very, very practical knowledge.

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I attended  a beautiful birth three days ago at our local, newly-renovated hospital. This second-time mother was amazing. She was so in touch with her body and what she needed to do at each and every moment: walk, sit, lie down, be in the bathtub, eat, drink, lean on her husband, visualizations for intense contractions.

Natural hospital birth requires women to be in charge of their births, and the book I wrote about natural hospital birth focuses on what WOMEN can do to achieve natural hospital birth. I chose to focus on what we CAN do, rather than on the systemic issues that we can’t control as individuals. We really can’t control the hospital staff. So women who desire natural hospital birth have to be ready to work with all different kinds of providers who have all different kinds of ideas about the best way to give birth.

Still, there are certainly ways that hospital staff can support natural hospital birth. And when I encounter hospital staff who really, really support a laboring woman I want to sing their praises everywhere! There were a thousand ways that the nurses and midwives with whom we worked last week supported this natural birth. Here I want to focus on just one of those “little” big things they did. Well, actually that they did not do. After my client was admitted to the hospital from triage, she never had another vaginal examination!

Her waters were intact and she was pronounced five centimeters when we arrived, so I expected that we would have several encounters with hospital staff about vaginal examinations through her labor. Instead, they quietly monitored the baby’s heart rate and the mama’s blood pressure for eight hours and never mentioned a vaginal exam once.

Here are some of the many other ways the staff was supportive: They never turned on the light when they entered the room. (The nurse used a flashlight to find things in cupboards.) They brought us extra pillows, extra towels, and extra hospital gowns when we asked. They pointed us toward the snack room when we were hungry. The midwife brought two glasses of water for the husband and me (the doula) during the most active part of labor, when we were working hard giving back pressure and talking the mama through each and every contraction. They were supportive in so many ways.

But by answering the mother’s questions about how her labor was progressing each and every time with a smile and reassurance that everything looked “great” — instead of saying, “Well, let’s check and find out” — they gave her such a gift of confidence. It makes me want to cry from happiness. It’s such an easy thing to do: suggest a vaginal examination. The vaginal exam, by giving everyone a “number,” appears to answer the question, “How are things going?” But, of course, it does not answer the question at all. If a woman is at seven centimeters, there is no way to know whether she will progress to ten in five minutes or five hours. There is no way to know whether she is feeling strong and capable or weak and defeated.

So often women know intuitively before or during labor that hearing a “number” will interfere with their ability to trust their bodies. (More rarely, but occasionally, some women know that they will be empowered by knowing this number. These women want to have vaginal exams and use this information to help themselves. The key is: Know Thyself!) For most women, though, hearing this cold, hard “fact” speaks to our brains, our rational selves. This is not the self who needs to be in charge of labor. Rational Self needs to step aside and let Intuitive, Body Self be in charge. There are many subtle ways that our Rational Self gets reactivated in labor. Imagine a woman in active labor who is sort of floating on hormones that take her out of normal conversational range. When the hospital shift changes and the new nurse comes on, she might come in and introduce herself and ask questions like, “So are you allergic to any medications?” She just activated the rational mind of the laboring woman! An immediate consequence of even one (much less a few!) rational thought is a lowering of our ability to cope with pain. The brain waves that allow us to be in a meditative, inner state are different from the brain waves that allow us to hold conversations. These brain waves are associated with changes in hormone levels, blood flow to various organs, heart rate, etc.

So, the fact that these nurses and hospital-based midwives were willing to forgo vaginal exams for EIGHT HOURS was a gift beyond measure. This mama got to labor and remained the expert on her labor. Her bodily sensations, her noises, her movements guided how the rest of us acted. We did not ever try to push her to get labor going “more” or “better.” No one had to feel disappointed or worried about how much longer there was to go, based on a number we heard at a particular moment. We all got to focus on a woman in labor. What did she need? What helped her feel the most comfortable?

When the baby arrived, she pushed twice. The baby arrived happy and healthy. I assume she had made it to “ten.”

What was your experience with vaginal exams at hospital births?

 

 

 

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